Doing an episode about asexuality? Better read this first...
Making content about queer identities is all the rage these days. Unfortunately, the folks who want to profit off of our stories are not always a part of our communities. They're more interested in sensationalizing the aspects of our community that they find the most exotic in order to rake in clicks, likes, and subs. This is a harmful practice, and until producers and studios are willing to do the work to understand the people whose stories they're telling, queer people are going to continue to be reticent to share our experiences in such a public way.
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If you're looking to produce content about the LGBTQIA+ community -- and you have a genuine interest in maintaining some credibility and integrity -- it's important to learn from the mistakes that others have made before you. Let's talk about it...
In December of 2022, I was approached by a producer to be a part of a new docuseries that focused on showcasing atypical romantic relationships and addressing some of the stigma around them.
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This was right in my wheelhouse. In fact, my journey with creating content about asexuality on TikTok made me realize that I wanted to do more. Guest spotting on series about queer identities and representing asexuality was a huge part of that mission. While I had landed a few gigs here and there, this was one of the higher profile series I'd been approached by.
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I was ecstatic. I couldn't wait to get on the phone with them to discuss the series. I checked out some of their other content and was pleased by how some queer identities were represented and how they had handled the content.
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In my initial interview, one of the very first questions they asked me was "Do you and your husband have sex?" It was jarring, although not entirely surprising. I very gentle and tastefully explained that this is one (of very, VERY few) questions that I don't answer. However, understanding the spirit of the question, I answered it as best I could by saying that there are some asexual couples who do have sex, and there are some who don't, and there are many reasons for both. All of which I was happy to get into in the longer form of the episode.
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At the end of the casting interview, they told me point-blank that I would have to answer this question or I would not be selected for the show.
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This was disappointing, but again, not surprising. My strong desire to do the show kept me from turning it down outright. I told them that I would give the question a think, talk to my husband, and see what I could come up with. We ended the call on what I felt was a positive note.
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I then spent the next 24 hours carefully crafting my response. I wanted to ensure, above all else, that my message was heard so that this episode on asexuality did not become kangaroo court. I discussed it with my husband. I discussed it with my boss, who is a producer and has been in the entertainment industry going on thirty-five years. I also sent a copy to my therapist.
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I felt confident that my response to the producer was a very thorough, thoughtful (roughly four-page) dissertation on how asking certain questions in the LGBTQIA+ community can often be harmful instead of helpful. I've put the text of that email below as an open letter to anyone who is thinking of producing content about the LGBTQIA+ community without actually being a part of it themselves or without understanding it thoroughly.
Thank you so much for the call yesterday morning (well, afternoon for you)! It was great talking to you and learning more about the show. I am thrilled at the idea of being a part of this series, and I hope that you feel the same way. I think there is a lot of material to mine here, and I would love to be the person to represent the asexual community and get this information out to the world.
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I want to start this by saying I am very open minded to answering the question "Do you have sex?" and I’d like to collaborate and brainstorm some of the best ways to answer it. I’ll start by giving some context for my initial reticence, and hopefully we can come to a mutually beneficial solution.
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While I may moonlight as a TikTok content creator, my regular job is working in television and film, where I've been for more than a decade. I’m sure there may be some politics and nuance of what the producers' and distributors' specific goals may be, so I want to be sensitive to that. I watched some episodes of [your other show] prior to our call, which gave me an idea about what goals the company might have for this new series. I'm hoping that we can have a productive conversation about what might be the best way to meet those goals while maintaining the highest integrity of the show's message about asexuality.
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My number one goal as an asexual content creator is to educate, uplift, and make folks laugh. I want to clear up the most harmful misconceptions about asexuality so that navigating this life as an ace person is less traumatic. I want allos (non-asexual people) to have a better understanding of us so that they can be supportive instead of harmful. And I want folks who are questioning their sexuality to be armed with as much information as possible so they can best understand themselves.
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The queer community is vast, complicated, and nuanced. When heteronormative folks begin to learn about us, they tend to ask harmful questions. Examples include asking lesbians "well, have you TRIED having sex with a man?" or asking trans people "what genitals do you have?" or asking bisexual people "have you been with BOTH men and women?" or asking anyone, “so when did you decide to be _________?” The reason why we don't ask these questions is that it frames the conversation from the wrong perspective -- from the oppressor's perspective. What we need to do is frame the conversation from the perspective of the marginalized person who is sharing their story because it's their perspective we lack and therefore their perspective we need.
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When it comes to asexuality, you are correct; questions we get asked all the time are invasive questions about whether or not we have sex, whether we masturbate, and even graphic specifics about what kind of sex we have, how we masturbate and how often, etc. Sure, these may be the first questions on people's minds when they hear someone is asexual, but it's not the most productive way to hold a conversation about asexuality. There are certain questions that are valid; and some that are just vapid. This isn't just a question that I don't answer because of my personal privacy; it's a question that is harmful for any asexual person to answer in totality, because it only shows one side of a multi-faceted experience.
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There are plenty of asexual people and couples who are willing to talk about whether or not they have sex, just as there are some trans folks who are more than happy to talk about whether or not they've had bottom surgery and why/why not. But these questions can also be triggering for folks who have experienced: sexual trauma or abuse; severe scrutiny from family, friends, coworkers, teachers, bosses, classmates, etc.; systemic discrimination from educational and medical institutions; and a number of other factors. Setting the expectation that we should answer this question "because that's what folks want to know" is a dangerous precedent that can put people in the queer community in harmful positions. It fuels the opposite of progress; it keeps us stuck in an archaic way of thinking and asking the wrong questions. It forces us to evaluate asexual couples by the same criteria as we evaluate allo couples. The fact of the matter is, they're just not comparable in the same ways.
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This show is all about celebrating love and counteracting judgment and prejudice. A huge part of the judgment around asexual people and asexual couples is that allo folks measure the value of the relationship entirely on sex. We need to reframe that line of thinking. Maybe we do have sex; maybe we don't. But you need to focus on these other aspects of our relationship, or else the conversation stagnates. Busting stereotypes and reducing or eliminating judgment means not drawing a line in the sand to divide us if we don't have sex; or invalidating us by confirming that 'well, ace people have sex just like everyone else, and therefore asexuality is not real; they just want special attention.' In both cases, it's ammo for the oppressors to judge and dismiss us, and nothing changes.
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Think of it this way:
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If I say, "No, we don't have sex!" then the judgment becomes "Then you're not a real couple” or “we don’t need to know about your sex life, keep it to yourself,” or “okay, but why do you have to give it a label?”
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If I say, "Yes, we have sex!" then the judgment becomes "Then you're not really asexual" or "Then asexuality isn't real, you're just like everyone else, stop attention-seeking."
Either way, it's a losing situation for asexual representation.
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The fact of the matter is, some asexual couples have sex, and some don't. Hearing only one answer or another from a single person or couple doesn't show that nuance. It makes it black and white when it couldn't be more gray. It's far more valuable for us to discuss the wide array of asexual experiences than for folks to only hear about mine and my husband's sex life.
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A smarter approach to dispelling those prejudices would be not acquiescing to the knee-jerk curiosities of allosexual people. It's best to encourage them away from that thinking and give them a new way of approaching the idea of it.
I want this series to be successful, not just for broader understanding and acceptance of asexuality, but for the totality of the types of relationships [your company] hopes to show in other episodes. You may not be aware, as asexuality is not often in the ‘mainstream media,’ but this line of questioning from media outlets has backfired in the past. Here’s a great example from Yasmin Benoit MSc, an aromantic asexual activist in the UK who has dealt with this countless times throughout her career.
Some other examples from Yasmin:
I would love to have a discussion with you and any other story producers on the show about the ways in which we can ask AND answer this question that both satisfies [your] audience and internal goals and does not perpetuate further harm against the asexual community -- which, I'm sure, is the farthest thing from [your] objectives. Below are some of my initial thoughts on how to answer the question, "Do you have sex?"
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Discuss how some asexual couples do (and why) and some asexual couples don't (and why); and explain why it isn't important to know which couples are which in order to understand the complexity of asexuality.
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Discuss why asking the question is harmful to the asexual community and what questions are more helpful and supportive.
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Discuss how there are many reasons why all types of couples do and don't have sex -- not just asexual couples. There are plenty of married couples who are not asexual and still do not have sex, but we don't ask them about it in such a casual way. This is no different.
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Emphasize how this question is not being asked of anyone else in this series -- interracial couples, age gap couples, polyamorous couples, etc -- and pointing out that this is a good way to spot a harmful line of questioning. (For example, we don’t ask straight people “when did you choose to be straight?” so we should not ask gay people “when did you choose to be gay?”)
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Some combination of the above.
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If this is not satisfactory, I do have some other ideas on how I can answer this question about myself more directly and specifically. But I would like to hear from [your team] first on the above so that I know what direction to go in with my answer.
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I really would love the opportunity to be the one to make the asexual episode of [your show] the best that it can be for the producers, the audience, and the asexual community as a whole. I appreciate you taking the time to read all this, and hopefully we can work together on this exciting series!
~AsexualMemes
I was hopeful that the care I took in the emotional labor of explaining this would win favor with the show. But I was also realistic in thinking they would probably just say, "Screw her, get another asexual person who is willing to discuss their sex life." And unfortunately, my instinct was correct. In just a few short days, I had a very short response.
Thanks so much for getting back to me, totally understand what you are saying.
I've spoken with the team and right now we won't be going any further with your story, but if anything changes I'll let you know.
Thanks so much for your time!
Needless to say, I did not feel "totally understood." It was disappointing that they decided to not cast me without giving me the courtesy of a dialogue and a chance to compromise. But it was even more disappointing that they didn't seem to take what I said to heart. Bet you dollars to donuts they just cast another asexual couple who is willing to talk about their sex life — which, of course, is exactly what I was trying to warn them against.
Let this be a cautionary tale and a teachable moment to any journalists, media studios, or content creators who seek to profit off of the LGBTQIA community without bothering to learn about us first. Make the minimal extra effort to open your mind and listen to the marginalized people you are exploiting. If you don't, you deserve whatever backlash comes your way.
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For anyone who is interested in producing content about asexuality with integrity, honesty, and with a genuine interest in the well-being of the aspec community, my DMs are open, as they say!